// Away from home.//
All of my journals are packed up in storage. After living in temporary spaces for the last year or so, I need to get a grasp on my feelings as of late. That aaaand its easier than trying to go out and find a therapist. So here goes my first written post in years:
I was 11 years old when I had my first case of homesickness. I was lying in my camp (top)bunk. I had been counting how many nights I’d lie awake in a room full of girls with strange quirks or who thought I was quirkier. Going for a two week session at an all girls horseback-riding camp, there really wasn’t a lot to do. So I chose to mope.
After moving to New York this past july I lied awake next to my boyfriend on my first night. I felt 11 years old again, counting in the dark the unknown nights until I’d feel at home again. One way tickets are scary. I threw myself into getting a job and then working as many hours as possible just to feel grounded somehow. During this time my Grandmother passed away. she deserves a whole post alone, so I’ll get to that. But it was just another bump in the road away from home.
I knew I didn’t want to depend on my boyfriend or my sister too much. So I thought working as a server would help ground me somehow. My first job in New York had different hours than I was used to back in Milwaukee. I was first trained as a server, then as a host. the shifts went from 4pm to 12am. Often times it would be closer to 12:30am-1am just because the Host had to stay through until the head server finished up money and paperwork. Before I gave up on the trains it would take me close to an hour just to get back home. My days would be spend with little to no energy, trying to get out and about. I didn’t have the energy to do so.
I started transitioning into my current job at a tearoom. I went from working 6 days a week with some doubles (10am-1am) to working Saturdays and mondays. I suppose that is where August went.
I am lonely, often, and I am scared to reach out to people I know or barely know. I am one of the lucky few who have moved here to actually know some good people who already have lives out here. Of course I need to text more often, or be more assertive with plans. It’s weird living somewhere and your purpose is not for school.
Am I lost? Do I need to find myself a NYC Sheepdog? Or maybe I just need a trip home.
maybe I’ll gain better perspective in the morning. maybe it’s the moons.